Healing
by Zivacentric
Summary: Established Zibbs. About 3 months post-Somalia. Ziva is slowly revealing to Gibbs the details of her torture. Here she allows him to see some of her scars for the first time. Winner of the LJ NCIS Awards Zibbs Romance category 2010.
1. Healing

Established Zibbs.

* * *

As they lay in bed that night, Ziva seemed more tense than usual. As had been her custom since her rescue from Somalia, she carefully kept to her side of the bed. Gibbs rolled to his side toward her, and felt a knife to his heart as she visibly tensed a little more.

"Trouble falling asleep tonight?"

She nodded.

"How 'bout a shoulder rub?" he asked.

She thought silently for a long moment. "What if I …" She couldn't finish her thought.

"Then I'll stop. And I'll make us both some warm milk – with a shot of bourbon."

She gave a small smile, then nodded her assent.

Without moving the rest of his body, Gibbs began gently rubbing one shoulder, then the other, with his right hand. He laid his hand on the back of Ziva's neck, lightly rubbing at the knots there, as well. After he felt her begin to relax, he asked. "OK to move down your back?" She nodded, hating the fact that she was grateful he'd asked first.

He moved slowly down over the top of her shirt – his shirt, really. Since her return, she always slept in one of his old NIS t-shirts and a pair of soft yoga pants. His hand continued to search for spots of tension and then gently rubbed them out.

"You doin' OK?" He asked softly.

She turned her head toward him, still resting it on her folded arms. Her eyes were open and she gave him a small smile. "Yes," she answered.

He continued down to the small of her back, then slowly made his way back up to her neck and shoulders. Her muscles had definitely been more relaxed, so he was surprised when he felt her tense up again. Then she spoke in a low voice.

"The doctor gave me some cream to rub on the scars, but I cannot reach my back. You could rub some on…if you want to."

That explained the tension. She wasn't sure he'd want to - and probably wasn't sure she could actually handle the reality of it if he did.

"I want to. Where is it?"

Ziva reached into the drawer of her nightstand and pulled out a small tube. She held it out to him.

He paused while they both still had a grip on it, willing her to look at him. When she finally raised her eyes to his, he said, "Promise you'll tell me if you need me to stop."

She dropped her gaze, so he put a finger under her chin, gently bringing her eyes back to his once more. "Promise?"

She nodded.

"Tell me." There was a pause.

"I promise."

Gibbs moved slowly and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Want me to leave your shirt down?"

She thought for a moment. Her tension increased once more, but she said, "You can lift it if you want."

"What do _you_ want?"

She sighed. The sound was so forlorn, it broke his heart. "I do not want to keep hiding from you, but…I am afraid." There were tears in her voice.

Gibbs tenderly brushed the backs of his fingers along her cheek. A single tear rolled down her face.

"There is nothing you could tell me or show me that would make me stop loving you or stop wanting to touch you."

Ziva gave a slight shake of her head, clearly not believing him. She did not let on how desperately she wanted to.

"How 'bout I raise your shirt up some and we see how that goes?"

She nodded. She pressed her face into his hand that was still resting against her cheek, surprising him. He felt a small surge of hope.

"Remember – you promised." Another nod.

Slowly Jethro lifted her shirt to just below the middle of her back, his eyes on hers, looking for the least sign that she needed him to stop. Their gazes still locked, he squeezed some cream onto his hand and lightly placed his fingers on the small of her back. When she didn't flinch, he began moving his hand, slowly and carefully over her back. The scent of the gel-like substance was surprisingly pleasant.

When he felt her body begin to relax again, his did, too. Her eyes drifted shut, but he kept his eyes on her face, not wanting to miss even the slightest reaction. He could feel thin ridges in her skin where she'd clearly been whipped, and knew it was probably worse higher up. He was careful to keep his reaction off his face for now, but his heart was heavy with this evidence of how she'd been tortured.

He continued until he reached her shirt. He paused. "OK to lift it higher?"

Ziva nodded.

He lifted it nearly to her shoulders, watching her face. He waited.

"It is all right for you to look, Jethro, " Ziva said softly. Her eyes opened to find his. "I think I need you to look." There was fear in her eyes, but also a grim determination he'd seen before.

Slowly he turned his gaze toward her back. Her once-unblemished beautiful skin was now marred by long scars of varying widths, testimony to the various straps Saleem Ulman and his men had used on her. More than once, from the looks of it.

He felt her watching him and was careful not to close his eyes, not wanting her to think he found her repulsive. Nothing was further from the truth. His fingers trembled with the force of his emotion, though, and he was unable to stop the slow tears that began rolling silently down his face. Jethro put more of the ointment on his hand and set the tube on his nightstand. He began rubbing it into her skin with a gentle, soothing touch – unsure of whom he was trying to soothe more, her or himself.

As he worked, he felt the urge to kiss her scars better, though he knew that was impossible. Besides, the physical pain from these injuries was long gone. But still…

His head bent toward her back, seeming of its own volition. When he realized what he was doing, he stopped and whispered, "Can I - ?"

She answered with a soft "Yes," and he bent his head to press a kiss as soft as a butterfly's wing onto the scar nearest him. He repeated the action with each and every scar until he'd kissed them all. As he did, his tears mixed with the cream he'd already rubbed onto her skin.

When he'd brushed every inch of exposed skin with his lips, he rested his cheek and hand against her back, speaking volumes without words.

After a while she stirred, rolling onto her side and reaching for him. She cradled his face in her hands. "Look at me, Jethro," she commanded in a soft voice. He met her eyes, finding a tender smile on her face and tears running down her cheeks, as well.

He found he could no longer hide the pain he felt for her, but it seemed he didn't need to.

"He hurt you," he whispered hoarsely. "That bastard hurt you." Sobs begged to break free from his chest.

"Yes. And you killed him for it. For me." Her answer was quiet, but strong, and she looked him straight in the eye.

"I should have found you sooner."

"Jethro. You thought I was dead." He closed his eyes against the remembered pain of that. "It is a miracle you found me at all." She continued to look deep into his face for a moment, then cradled him to her chest.

In that moment she realized that she was not so broken that she couldn't be the strong one in this, the one to comfort him. It was a powerful revelation.

He did sob, then, as she held him. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, as if he would never let go. She whispered soothing words in her native tongue, and just held on.

She had not considered that, in trying to protect them both from these feelings, she'd actually been hurting him more by putting up walls between them and leaving him to feel as alone in his pain as she did in hers.

When his tears had run their course, Ziva pressed a kiss to his hair and lifted his face. She wiped his tears with her thumbs and looked into his eyes.

"No one has ever loved me like you do." She paused. "I have done nothing in my whole life to deserve you, but I am not letting go of you until you say I must."

"Promise?" he husked.

"Promise."

Their mouths moved inexorably closer, meeting in a soft kiss that was almost chaste. Gradually, though, the heat built and the kiss deepened until they were both breathing harder. They slowly pulled apart.

She snuggled her face into his neck. "I have missed you. So much."

"Missed you too, Ziver."

She cuddled close, completely relaxed against him for the first time since her return. He carefully wrapped his arms around her, thankful he could hold her like this again, at least for tonight.

Jethro smoothed her t-shirt back down, his hand lingering with soothing touches. He didn't kid himself that it would be all smooth sailing from here on out, but, like her scars, Ziva was healing. She was forever changed, inside and out, but the memories and scars from her ordeal would continue to fade and eventually she would recover. She'd already begun.

* * *

A/N: This is my first posting - thanks for reading! Let me know what you think. And a HUGE "Thank you!" to CSIGurlie07 for her support and input - couldn't have done it without you!!


	2. Epilogue

Weeks later…

Awash in sensation, Ziva's whole world was reduced to Jethro, to the feel of him against her, above her, inside of her. She cried out as her release claimed her, her body going taught for long moments, then slowly becoming boneless. Her heart was pounding as Jethro collapsed on top of her, breathing heavily. He started to roll off immediately, not wanting her to feel trapped. But Ziva held on to him tightly, staying him with a whisper.

"_Don't move. Please."_

He relaxed gingerly back down onto her. It was the first time they'd made love since her return. It had been incredible, but part of him was still worried he'd make a wrong move and trigger a traumatic moment for her. He glanced up at her face and froze when he saw tears running slowly down her cheeks. The only thing that kept him from full panic mode was the ghost of a smile on her lips. Her eyes were closed, but she was clearly at ease.

"Ziver?" he whispered.

She opened her eyes and smiled reassuringly at the concern in her lover's eyes.

"I am fine, Jethro – better than fine. Amazing, actually," she assured him, with wonder clear in her voice. She ran her fingertips lightly over his face, as though memorizing every detail anew. After a moment she continued, her voice husky with emotion. "It is just that part of me believed that you could never love me like this again…but you do," she said slowly, her eyes filled with awe.

The tension that had taken hold of him began to thaw. "Wouldn't have believed I could love you more…," he said, gazing into her face. "But I do."

Her joyful smile lit up the room and she pulled him down for a kiss steeped in love and gratitude. "I love you, too," she whispered against his lips.

Their kiss deepened. After they pulled oh-so-slowly apart, she looked steadily into those mesmerizing blue eyes.

"Thank you for being so patient with me," she murmured. "And for waiting for me to find my way back to you…to us."

"Waited half my life for you," he said. "Wasn't gonna stop now." She buried her face against him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.

This time when he went to roll over, she did not protest. He took her with him, hugging her closely against his chest as though even a little space between them would be too much. She relaxed against him, allowing a sense of peace to roll through her, a peace she'd thought she would never feel again.

As she began to drift off to sleep, words she hadn't considered in years floated across her mind. The phrase had been her mantra during the early days of her Mossad training, giving her strength when she felt as though she had none left. Some might think the words should have come back to her in the desert of Somalia, but she had been so certain she would die there that there had been no room for this kind of thinking.

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

At many points in the months since her rescue, she would no longer have agreed with that belief, fearing herself broken beyond repair. But tonight she could feel it, the truth those words held for her. She was home and she was healing. And she and Jethro were back, stronger than ever.

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A/N: The quote toward the end is from Nietzsche. THANKS to all of you who reviewed and added me to your alerts and favorites - that was beyond awesome! And, once again, a special thanks to CSIGurlie07 for her continued encouragement and input; I am a better writer for it.


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